One of the hardest things for a woman to realize is that sharing is not the key to her husband's heart, as it is for hers. Women love words! We are like the energizer bunny who keeps going and going and going, and our poor husbands often feel like the bunny who has the wrong set of batteries.
A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the differences between men's top 3 needs versus women's. Do you remember what I said about why men like the remote control? They have exchanged words all day at work. A relationship with a remote control looks great to them. It doesn’t ask questions, or get mad if something doesn’t get done, or if the question wasn’t answered correctly. When you are talking to your husband, have you ever had a time where he doesn’t appear to be listening? It's not that he doesn’t want to hear you. It's often that he is not equipped to answer at that very moment. Most of the time, even if they are sitting there flipping the channels, they do hear you. It just takes them time to process.
Women in general have a need to talk. We tend to talk in circles, ask questions, and talk about 5 different things at once. As he tries to grasp what the first thing you said was, you have started into the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th things. Then, he tries to pick up on what the last thing was, and you are already questioning.. "Did you even hear me?"
If you say too many words, he will tune you out. To a man, talk is for information, so when you interrupt him while he is reading, it must be to inform him of something he needs to know. This being the case, you might as well tell him what you think he needs to know before he starts reading again. To a woman, talking is for interaction. Telling things is a way to show involvement, and listening is a way to show interest and caring. It's not a coincidence that wives often tell our husbands things while they are reading, because we feel the need for verbal interaction most when they are doing something else, and not talking to us. Although we have a need to talk and communicate, when we disrupt their reading the morning paper, to them we are trying to keep them from doing something essential and harmless, and it violates their independence. When we talk, we expect them to talk back, and when they don’t we perceive their behavior as a failure of intimacy, and that they're keeping things from us, or have lost interest in us, and have pulled away from us. This is not the case. They simply don’t feel the need to ‘talk.’
Your husband is capable of talking, but you have to catch the moment precisely. That moment is not when he is in front of the tv watching the last quarter of the NFL game, or the instant he walks in the door from work. A good way to approach him is to watch something he is in the process of doing, such as tinkering with tools, or something, then ask, “Wow! That looks interesting! Tell me more about it.” Now you have his attention. By showing interest in his project, he will be happier to talk to you.
If there is something you want or need to tell him, a great way to get his attention is to touch him. As you touch him, you need to say “Honey, I have an important question for you. Is now a good time?”
-By touching him, you get his attention.
-By addressing him respectfully, you have secured his attention.
-By giving him a choice to talk, or not, you are just about guaranteed he will listen.
You may ask, "What do you mean?" The key to communication is in our hands. We can set all kinds of things in motion with the words we use. Our words can bring him joy and confidence, even when he feels like he has failed in some area, or they can shut him down. Women love to ask questions, but the best way to get into a man's mind and heart is not by asking questions. If you question him, you will shut him down, because you put him on the defense. For example, you ask how his day was. He starts to tell you what happened when he had lunch with someone. You want to know more , so you ask, "Well, that’s strange. He doesn’t usually have lunch with you. Why did he join you today?" Your husband clams up and shuts down, saying absolutely nothing else. He started to open up and tell you something. He put himself on the line only to be ridiculed or called into questionis. Because we are natural information gatherers, we want to know every detail, and we ask why. He takes it as you think he is a loser, is keeping something from you, or is stupid because of how he handled something. We can actually save ourselves a lot of frustration, simply by SAYING WHAT WE MEAN! No sugar coated, beating around the bush hints.. just out with it. No emotion. No making him guess. Just shoot it straight.
Some things just aren't that important to him, but are to you, because you want to please him. For instance, what to fix for dinner. If you ask him an open ended question like "What do you want to eat tonight?", you might get an answer like "Uh, it doesn’t matter." He really doesn't want to make another decision! Instead, you might ask, "Tonight I was thinking you might enjoy meatloaf, or maybe you are more in the mood for spaghetti?".. no question, just directly throwing out options. He will choose one, and you will have your answer. - Jeni Morelock
Communication is a skill learned through experience. Good communication requires being a better listener than you are a talker. It means being an astute observer, too. Learn what works and what doesn't, and don't continue to use what doesn't. It is said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is true with all aspects of life, including marriage. Learning to "Embrace Your Husband" is a process. Be patient with yourself and with him. Embrace his differences and his similarities to you. You will find that they compliment each other. Above all, pray for him and love him unconditionally. Encourage him in his endeavors. Be his biggest cheerleader. The benefits far outweigh the effort!
Jeni, thank you for this series!
Pam Archer
Women's Ministry Director
