Embracing Your Husband-Watch 'Is

Last week we looked at a man's top three needs.  Today we are going to explore those a little further.

When boys are young, and there are just other boys around, their mindset is, “Look what I can  do!”  “I can swing higher” or  “I can do that too.. race ya.”

As girls it's “Should we play house or school?"  "Why don’t we play house, one says, then turning to the other girls saying, 'is that okay with you'?"  "Sure!"

Because of the  male drive to succeed, meaning everything else is secondary. Little boys tend to use “I”  “Look what I can do!”  Boys are primed for independence, and that only gets stronger as they get older.
Little girls, on the other hand, typically are more relational using we or you.  They decide things by committee getting everyone in on the decision.

In marriage, that’s why it's important for us to get our husband's opinion of things that are important to us, but not everything that is important to us is important to him. Sometimes men don’t have opinions, because what we are asking them doesn’t register high on their scale of what is important.  It's not that our opinions aren’t important to them, but they don't see some of the things that are important to us as being important at all.

Boys are born competitive. They are determined to go after what they want, because of this competitive drive, the urge to be conqueror, and the craving to win. Your husband also desires immediate gratification, not down the road gratification. This is why he wants to tell you immediately about something he just nailed at work and what the boss says about it. Within every man there is a need to conquer, that’s why getting in the fast lane of life is so important.  It's why he wants control of the remote. He has conquered something.

 This focus seems very singular to women, but we don’t need to take it personally.  It's not meant to be directed toward us, we just need to realize that our conqueror is conquering one task at a time.

Some men have a craving to win.  To these men, life is about winning, to a woman it's about the journey along the way. This really is a compliment to us, as wives. We should be flattered.  Your husband saw you as his prize to be won, and went for it, and got the gold medal.. you!

Men like to fix things. They like to tinker. They are wired to enjoy adventure, and its rarely safe. Men have big dreams, and tend to be visionary while our focus is inward.  It's our job to be the ‘yes’ in their lives.
We can encourage the confidence our husbands need.  When they see the risk, it's our yes that becomes the confidence.  A quick definition of ‘manliness’ is confidence with a risk.  That yes you can give is more powerful than any inborn belief they have about their own ability.  A wife has the capacity to be a man's greatest assurance of all – simply by being his yes.

Although sometimes our man needs to be babied, we are not his mother!  We aren’t there to discipline him or dictate his every movement. He is a man and we need to respect him as a man, respect his masculinity.  He needs to be patted on the back. We need to be his boost of confidence, and most of all, he needs to know that you are on his side, that you are in his corner, regardless of what may come. By mothering our husbands, it oppresses his self-esteem, takes away manliness, and is being disrespectful of him.  We need to encourage our husbands.  We need to lift them up so that they feel respected and valued.

Next week, we will talk about the other woman in your man's life.. his mother.  See you next Thursday.

Jeni Morelock

Embracing Your Husband-The Difference Between Men and Women

Men and women are different.  Our brains are even different.  The part of the brain that controls visual abilities,concepts, and skills necessary for tasks like math and architecture is about 6 percent larger in men than in women.  Yet women's brains have more brain cells, and our heart beats faster than a man's. We truly are different.

TOP THREE NEEDS:

Men’s  top 3 needs:                     

                    

To be respected                              

To be needed                                 

To be fulfilled                                

Women ‘s top 3 needs:

A woman wants to cuddle, a man craves sex.

A woman wants to talk; a man has ran out of words

A woman longs for the family to do everything together; a man longs for independence

Looking at the top 3 needs of both men and women, can you understand why they conflict?

Let's look at his first top need: respect

If you ask a man if he would rather be loved or respected, he would say respected.  If a guy isn’t respected, he doesn’t feel loved. Women are very intimidating to men. They can't figure out how or why we are the schedule wonders of the world.  We are very relational, we have a need to talk, to ask questions. A typical man doesn’t have that need to talk, as much as we do. A woman on average uses 3 ½ times more words  as a man, every day. They come home from work and we are wound up and ready to talk. He has already used his word count for the day. This doesn’t mean that he is not willing to listen to you, he still wants to hear from you, he just may feel no need to contribute anything to the conversation.  He wants you to respect him by filling him in on your day, especially if is key to your family's life, (He surely doesn’t want to hear 3^rd hand about something that happens in his own family.)

You also show respect by respecting him as an adult, even when he acts like a little boy. Guys seem really tough on the outside, yet on the inside they are very fragile.  If they feel disrespected or put down, they will get quiet and shut down. Some men start doing things like staying later at work, finding busy tasks to do. Because men are less relational, they tend to have fewer friends.  They have acquaintances, but fewer friends therefore you figure much higher in your husband's thoughts than you might think.  Matter of fact, the person your husband cares more about is you, although his ego may seem to be wrapped up in his job Don’t be fooled! Men do identify with work, but where they really want to succeed is is at home.

Your husband needs to be needed by you.

He needs to hear it in your words and see it in your actions, and to hear you saying something to your girlfriend on the phone about how he helped you do the dishes, and you really needed that so much, is a major boost of esteem for him.Our husbands appreciate when we are efficient and independent, but not too efficient and independent.  He needs you to allow him to do things for you, even if he doesn’t do it quite the way you want him to.. he still needs to do it.  Be careful about being too independent, because you are subtly giving him the message you don’t really need him. If your man knows his role in your family can't be played by anyone else, he will be okay in other areas where he may experience failure, such as job loss.

Fulfillment

When your husband picked you as his soul mate, he picked you for a reason. Now that you're married and he got the job done, he turns his attention to succeeding in his career, and providing for his family.  All of a sudden, the romantic gestures of flowers, and romantic attention dies down.  

The second part of being fulfilled, is sexual fulfillment which we will discuss later on.

Men are really simple.  If you meet your mans 3 needs, they will be better husbands, better dads, and better lovers, and ladies, it doesn’t require a lot of effort.

So what does your guy need? Guys are actually simple.  Don’t try to do guesswork, if you understand their needs and throw them an extra treat once in awhile, they will be satisfied.

HE NEEDS TO BE BABIED ONCE IN AWHILE

Lets talk about when our men get sick. Their entire world stops...and so does ours!  He needs a drink, an  aspirin, the remote because he's so tired he cant move, he needs food, and a straw, while he lies on the couch, or in the big recliner, with you at his beck and call. When we get sick, we only stop long enough to throw back some Dayquil and proceed with our day.  So why are men like this? Because they revert to little boys who need someone to pay attention to them and take care of them.  As irritating as it may sound, we morph our minds from wife to mother.  You're taking care of a little boy who needs to know he is loved and see it in action.  He needs to know that he is priority and everything else is secondary to him.When a man ‘acts like a baby’ do you know what he is really saying? I need you to pay attention to me.  Right now.  They become jealous over the time we spend with our kids, our friends, and our pets, and often feel like there is no time left for them.

I certainly hope that by gaining a greater understanding of your mans needs verses your own, that it has helped you to see why there is a difference. Check back in next week as we continue this topic...

Jeni Morelock